As much as I'll try to make sure that this blog doesn't trigger anyone, I can't control what people can be affected by. So yeah, I'll make references to Sushant's demise and the general concept of depression, although as I said, I'll try to keep these references as safe as possible. Also, I don't claim to be an objective representation of any of this, I'm just talking from personal experience. And I know the introductory paragraph is now too long, despite me promising myself that I'll keep this blog short.
Anyway, yes. A Bollywood actor passed away yesterday. And immediately, the social media outpour began. "Anyone who is going through anything please know that I'm here for you and my inbox is open. I'm just one text or phone call away feel free to reach out to me" and so on.
I'm glad people are talking about mental health more openly now than in 2009. But it shouldn't take an event as tragic as this to bring up the discussion, and it shouldn't deserve to die with merely an obligatory message of "being available" just to feel better about yourself for having done something.
The thing is, firstly, from my experience, as much as people around you constantly say "I'm available if anything. Please text me." when you are going through a difficult mental phase, you would never text or call someone else. It feels like an unnecessary burden and no, I'm not saying it's anyone's fault here. But every day of being depressed, I was never texting or talking to anyone about it. I was waiting for everyone to fall asleep so I can peacefully have a cry and a breakdown without anyone knowing about it. And this is despite people around me constantly telling me that they are available and I can reach out to them whenever I want to.
Secondly, most people don't understand what it means to say that. "You can call or text me at any given time and I would be there for you." But would you, though? I've texted a friend at 2 AM once, asking if he's up to talk. He was asleep. And that pushed me to tears. I've woken my mom up in the middle of the night to let out and all she could say was "It's okay. Things will be better. Don't worry. It happens. Now go to sleep." I've brought it up in a conversation with someone I had been dating for a long time and she couldn't help me out of it. In fact, my depression culminated in a massive problem in that relationship and we broke up after over five years. In all of these situations, no one is at fault. And in all of these situations, I came out believing even more strongly that I'm better off not talking to anyone about it. And this is my closest circle.
I've also been guilty on the other side. I have, much like the very people I'm addressing here, put out the public "Please feel free to reach out to me at any time" announcement across all social media. But then when someone reached out, I either didn't know what to say to comfort them, circling around the usual "Things will get better, I promise" or "Please take care I'm here for you" or "I wish I were next to you so I could give you hugs" or sometimes, when I did know what to say, I found myself so emotionally drained that I needed to take time off for myself. Being available at all times for absolutely anyone is comforting to hear, but perhaps unrealistic, especially when a complete stranger reaches out to you.
It is a noble intention to ensure that you're a safe space. But I'd rather sacrifice intention for practicality. Don't make a general claim to the whole world about your availability. Instead, just constantly make an effort to text and check up on your immediate circle frequently. Instead of waiting for someone to text you, start conversations yourself. Even extremely short ones that only require "How have you been lately?" mean more than people think they do. And I'm sure we'll cover the entire global population if every individual just texted and checked on their immediate circle of friends and family.
Also, remember to be sensitive. A lot of times, no one knows what can push a person into a full-blown emotional break-down. Perhaps we could do better than to mock the idea of sensitivity and usher in a forced sense of "toughness". Instead, let's just accept that some people aren't tough and that's okay. being careless about the things we say and how we say them serves no one, but by simply being mindful, we'd do enough to ensure that no harm is being done. And yet again, I learnt this from experience. Things I thought were trivial, funny even, were in hindsight better off without being said.
And to people going through a tough time right now, I will not pretend to know all of you. I will not give you the usual "I'm sure you mean the world to someone" because it seems like a hollow thing to say. We both know I'd only say it to feel good about myself. Instead, I'd ask you to believe that tough times always pass. Things always become okay eventually. That's the only thing I've learnt. I've tried multiple times to escape reality one way or another, but the only thing that's kept me breathing and carried me across is some sense of hope, however little, that I believed in. And until things become okay, seek professional help. Whether or not you text someone and talk about stuff is your decision entirely, but don't hold yourself back from seeking professional help. Now here's the thing. I will not promise to be available 24x7 in my DMs to comfort you and make for a great conversation. However, if you just want someone to listen to you in silence, I can do that. If you're looking for someone who will point you in the direction of professional help, I can do that. And if you think therapy is expensive and want someone to cover a session or two, I can do that. All of that, I can promise. But being as good as professional help myself, I cannot.
This brings me to the third point of discussion. Therapy is expensive. If you want to be of help, don't wait for some incident to push you into tweeting something. Try and make a change happen. Push for cheaper mental health. I'm not saying mental health professionals should earn less. I'm saying people who are in need of help should perhaps pay less. Insurance policies mandating mental health. Government hospitals ensuring they have a psych ward that provides subsidized healthcare. Creating public awareness for mental health checkups, and making those checkups regular, hassle-free, and inexpensive. Making sure that checking on individuals isn't entirely your job or that of the people on Facebook or Instagram or Twitter, and involving local government institutions and public sector bodies into the discussion. Facilitate that discussion. Have that conversation. Politicize mental health. And until then, actively check-in on your immediate circle instead of promising to be a go-to makeshift therapist for everyone.
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